It was bad real bad Michael Jackson: (Warning: Grammatical errors are inevitable) I've been thinking so much the last couple of days about how motherhood has changed me. Like seriously taking inventory. It's been a little emotional, a little hysterical, and kind of mind-blowing. Bear with me as I throw up my thoughts. They may or may not make sense. You have been warned.
Yesterday I babysat. She's 14 months old and mobile. Way more mobile than Reese. Climbing. Lots and lots of climbing. She's an absolute doll, don't get me wrong, but very...active. I watched her all day while her momma had surgery and was so glad to help. This post is not about babysitting. It's about motherhood. It's about how yesterday I didn't think I would be having any more kids. None. Zilch. Nada. Not to be inappropriate, but if Todd wanted more kids yesterday, I would've told him to look elsewhere. Cause there would be no more children hoppin' on this family train.
Magnets thrown off the fridge. Chairs climbed on and jumped off of unsuccessfully. Chasing happened ALL (pause) DAY (pause) LONG. Toys fought over. Unintentional slaps thrown. Plugs pulled. Blinds ripped down. Couches climbed, couldn't balance, and fell off. Naps were off schedule. No one wanted their food. Reese spits her food out now and thinks it's funny. It's actually just really messy, and I hate it.
Yesterday I was dying to be done. I wanted a break. I wanted Todd to come home, so I could throw the responsibility on him. I wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for days. I had no desire to be cordial, friendly, or happy. I was in a pretty icky mood. It was just one of those days, ya feel me?
When all the chaos ended, and Reese was in bed finally at 8:30p, I collapsed. I literally plopped on the bed and had no thoughts. I was too exhausted for thoughts. I didn't want to think through my feelings, I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to come up with a solution. I just wanted to lay there and breath.
No one really tells you how good of a mom you are. Or at least not enough. Don't get me wrong, I know Todd appreciates me and what I do, but no woman gets the thanks she needs to feel validated every single day 24/7. Being a mom is a pretty thankless job.
Today I thought a lot about how different my life is now that I'm a mom. Not to toot my own horn because I'm not, it's just the facts for any mom out there...but I sacrifice a lot to be a mom. You sacrifice your body, your time, your entire life. Sometimes you sacrifice your desires and your goals. You always sacrifice your time. I guess I've really struggled lately with the whole not enough hours in the day vibe. I have this perpetual to-do list in the back of my head. There is always something to do, something to finish by a certain time, someone to call, someone to email, some household chore to get done, or dinner to be made. It's constant and sometimes feels never-ending. And it drove me a little crazy today.
For those who don't know, I can be a little OCD sometimes. I wouldn't say I'm a perfectionist, but when I want something to get done, I NEED it to get done. Sometimes I rush through it just so that I can say it's finished. One more thing checked off the list! I've been trying to find the balance. Trying oh so hard. And I think I need to just let it go. I need to let go of this constant to-do list. I need to free myself of that because it's driving me crazy folks. Fuh-reaking cuh-razy.
So here's where I need your help. What works for you? Gimme the knitty-gritty details. Seriously though. This is suuurious business.
Love you all so much. Your support and love is overwhelming and totally throws me for a loop. There's not really a positive ending to this post other than this quote that my sister-in-law posted on her blog, and really hit home for me. Totally brought me to Niagara Falls sobs. Yeah. It was that good. It's my man, Gordon B. Hinckley. I love this man. To learn more about who he was, click here.
"To women, many of you think you are failures. You feel you cannot do well, that with all of your effort it is not sufficient. We all feel that way. I feel that way as I speak to you tonight. I long for, I pray for the power and the capacity to lift you, to inspire you, to thank you, to praise you, and to bring a measure of gladness into your hearts.
We all worry about our performance. We all wish we could do better. But unfortunately we do not realize, we do not often see the results that come of what we do.
To you young women with small children, yours is a tremendous challenge. So often there is not enough money. You must scrimp and save. You must be wise and careful in your expenditures. You must be strong and bold and brave and march forward with gladness in your eye and love in your heart. How blessed you are, my dear young mothers. You have children who will be yours forever. I hope that you have been sealed in the house of the Lord and that your family will be an everlasting family in the kingdom of our Father.
Now, my dear sisters, that is the way with you. You are doing the best you can, and that best results in good to yourself and to others. Do not nag yourself with a sense of failure. Get on your knees and ask for the blessings of the Lord; then stand on your feet and do what you are asked to do. Then leave the matter in the hands of the Lord. You will discover that you have accomplished something beyond price."
Words of wisdom from one heck of a man. Needed this reminder today.
❤, Ashton Tilton